A story to tell…

I really like telling stories.  Not really to anyone in general but mostly in my head because I make great short stories in my head that will probably never become a full fledged novel or even a short story.

Got any ideas?  I’ve got email.  I’m happy to read them, give pointers/what i think would be cool (because really i’m not much of a writer myself) because bouncing ideas is fun and bouncy.

ok.  so one idea i had was about bubbles.  i know it sounds weird, but you guys should know me by now and if you’re already this deep into this blog you’re accepting of the crazy.  I appreciate and fear your tenacity.

So!  Bubbles.  as in, our own little bubble worlds.  The ones where if you peek inside of a group of people walking around the mall, they will have a completely different world going on compared to the next bubble, and the next bubble, and the next bubble, AND FOREVER….  So my writing idea was about writing different stories based on one person in each bubble then either that being the end, or having something really climatic happen and you probably already know where i’m going on this….

 

Am I really that predictable?

Doing the opposite

TRIGGER WARNING…..

I’m fucking drunk.  I’m mentally ill and having a VERY bad moment… ok it’s been a few hours but wtf ever.  I am not going to be talking about fluffy kittens and unicorns.  If that is why you’re here then here:

These are not my pictures.  I just googled them.

Now, if that’s what you wanted then leave now.  It only gets darker from here.

 

 

 

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Still there?  wow.  grew a pair of ovaries did we?  whatever.  your sanity.

 

I get drunk when I have a breakdown so that shit makes sense to me.

Having a breakdown is not a picnic.  It’s a literal shitstorm in your mind.  Like everything in the world is just the same as it was, but now everything is screaming at you.  Inanimate objects, your internal voices (which apparently there’s really only supposed to be one but I have 6 so take that. XP)  Today it was the babygate that seperated the living room from the kitchen.  I scolded Mik (ben’s daughter) for the nth time for stepping over the damn thing instead of using it properly like i have asked her to do since it got put in the house last year.  It literally takes more effort to step over the damn thing than it does to open it and walk through.  I take a minute and do some sweeping trying to figure out why I don’t like it and tell her this:

“I don’t like you stepping over the gate because you are disrespecting my wishes and not using the gate properly.  Kind of like your door.  If I was to just open it as I so pleased without your permission then you get upset.  So please use the gate correctly and i’ll use your door correctly.”

her response? “well, you’ve walked in on me without my permission before”

My response. “Fine.  I’ll use your door as i please and you can just kick the gate down for all I care.  Does that work for you?” of course I”m not at muy normal talking voice but she starts telling me that i’m yelling.  loud-noises.gif

I don’t yell easily.  I just know how to project my voice to be heard over people.  It’s not yelling if i’m not straining.

I give up.  She finishes with the dishes and I continue with cleaning the damn living room, which has turned against me in my mind.  The fucking piano had evil eyes that wanted to kill me.  She goes for a walk and I finish cleaning before losing my shit.

everything is yelling in my head even though the house is silent. Fucking silent and all i can hear is screams.  I want to die.  Instead I take down the fucking gate so that I don’t have to have the god damn argument again.  I begin crying and wailing because of what the gate meant and how it was supposed to be there for david but david isn’t here anymore.  He can’t live here until ben fixes the fucking pipe.  when will that be?  Gods only know.

So I drink.  Because being drunk means my meltdown makes sense.  My blubbering and anger and the screaming everything makes more sense.  Because right now my head doesn’t.

 

BOO! *duck*

I love the fact that Peridot from Steven Universe just accepted and rolled with her alienness.  accepting the stickers and other weird things and making meepmorps.  I would get her gem tattooed on me but I think i would have a hard time keeping a job at that point.

(quick note that google wanted to change peridot to period and alienness to aliveness and that just makes my hour.)

So I’ve been doing better as far as my mental illness goes.  Some days are worse because I have to go to therapy or do SSI paperwork and I have to relive a lot of stuff and it makes me sad and anxious and have to take more meds than i wanted to today.  Thanks a lot deb.

Sorry if your name is deb.  I’m sure it isn’t you that i’m frustrated at.  But you could be.

Why you should duck when people say “BOO!”

I call them my Boos and when people are being rude or say mean things or are just being aggravating and anxiety inducing I yell boo and throw one.  They have grown into 4 and more will come.  If you want one let me know.  They’re 10$ in my store.

 

If anyone is wondering (mostly because i’m not sure if I’ve done this before or not) but I know that I am putting the dollar sign after the numbers because that’s how I read it/ say it so that’s how i’m spelling it.  Society be damned.  I don’t like having to look back to the beginning of your big numbers and have to go is it dollars, cents, yin, or euros?  Fuck people I have things to read!

Moving on.

Say hi to me.  Or your neighbor.  Or no one if you don’t want to.

BYE.

Holy Cannolies, Batman!

Oh my goodness.  So much has happened lately that I feel really bad for both not blogging about it before and for blogging about it now.

In the past (sorry, got distracted helping my BFF find some stuff for her homework… where was i?)  oh

in the past week i have turned 27, david has turned 3, I was denied an apartment, ben fixed up part of the basement for me to use as my own space, I single handedly took down the government, ad I’m now friends with an ex-con.  I’ll let you determine which parts are real.

Beyond those things i have also been comfortable living on my own via living my my BFF’s house because she was away and sometimes boys are stupid and you need to take some time away from them.  I have brought it to the attention of a few people that maybe i need to just go full lesbian but decided that getting a motorcycle was just out of the question financially…. for now anyway.  Plus, where would I put the carseat?

SIDECAR BITCHES.

Sorry if that last paragraph offended you.  I know that who you love is not a choice and sometimes we end up loving people who make you crazy and accuse you of losing your mind even when you’re on the mend.  I’m pretty sure ben has decided to either not read my blog for his own sanity or he just doesn’t bring it up.  Also, I in no way meant to imply that all lesbians have motorcycles like the buffalo gals of cow and chicken yesteryear.  I just look up to you all from a light of “holy shit these people are all so cool, why are they staring at me?  Oh yeah, I’m naked.”

download (Three Friends by John Curran)

No, this isn’t a picture of me.  This is actual art so no one can be offended and block me.  I hope.

 

Please love me?

 

Damn.

How do you make friends?

I really need to make more friends.  Like, even one more friend would be good.  I know that lots of people survive on being alone and in the internet which i am totally no dogging on.  I’m just not that type of person.  The only problem is that i only have 2 close friends that live near me that I can hang out with when needed/wanted/called upon.  One is my partner and the other is my best friend.  Unfortunately my BFF is moving to a different state this summer.  Which is super amazing for them because they’ll be following their plans and dreams and continue being a super amazing person.  The unfortunate thing is that I cannot go with them, not that I should or whatever, but this means i’m down one person that can get me out of the house when i really need to be pulled out.

BTW….

Depression totally sucks.  vodka is delicious.

I do not promote drinking while depressed or while on anti depressants.

Please drink responsibly….

and when you’re done please drink some water because hangovers suck.

p.s. the lonely island is funny as hell.

Who can you call?

No one. Not at the moment. Ben is in the bedroom being grumpy at me because i don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m unhappy with the basement flooding with our own refuse because he refuses to skip a credit card bill or whatever to get it fixed. Instead he paid for a guy to clean out the pipes to give us “hopefully” a couple of months to save up.

My biggest problem?

Probably the fact that i made a decision as a grown ass person and mother to not allow my son to live in this house until the pipes are fixed. Hooray for me but Ben doesnt see it that way. He thinks i made a dumb decision (my words not his) to not have David here. Of course all i can think about is the fact that i still don’t have a job, I’m still living in this house, my house isn’t sold yet, I’m still not fucking divorced, and… i still can’t make a living doing anything.

Le sigh….

I know i shouldn’t try to rush things with the systems set up but I’ve been applying for jobs for months and i have nothing. I would upload my resume but that might be tmi.

Anyway… rant dinner for now. Here’s a couple of pictures i colored in to keep from hurting myself.

P.s. still thinking suicidal thoughts and they’re making me sick because all i can think of is saying goodbye to my son. The scariest thing is thinking about is how my brain is convinced he won’t miss me. *sobbing now*

Being Sneaky (aka a plea for pc’s)

I’m currently at my parents house, fiddling around with their new computer.  It’s a Mac and the only reason I’m fiddling with it is because I have no real knowledge of how to use it.  My parents had an older one before it crapped out and that one was a little bit easier to use than this one.

Which means I have barely enough knowledge to use it.  (insert internal screaming here)

is case and point:  it just took me 5 minutes to figure out how to download that gif.  fml.

anyway, back to being sneaky.  Ok.  I’m not being sneaky.  I just have to be quiet because my 20 year old brother is sleeping upstairs and I have to be quiet because you do NOT want to wake that bear.  I wish I had a picture of him to show you guys but he’s the most epic thing I have seen.  Long hair, long beard, and a laid back attitude to just about everything is pretty awesome.

P.S. If you are reading this and are not required by work or school to use a Mac computer, please get a windows computer.  they are so much more user friendly than Macs.  Macs have their place in the world but that world is not my life.

p.p.s.  This blog is not sponsored but if windows wants to sponsor me that would be totally boss.