Existence Crisis

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TRIGGER WARNING

I have been having one hell of a morning inside my head and I need to get it out.  If you are easily upset or have issues with existence and don’t want to be depressed today then please, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY.  Look at puppy photos instead…

Image result for puppy photosImage result for puppy photosImage result for puppy photos

https://www.google.com/search?q=puppy+photos&rlz=1C1VFKB_enUS685US690&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=3u_57kUtaKoLhM%253A%252C5KMC1IX1OWFb4M%252C_&usg=AI4_-kTAxeqlUyCGFKi3RVA5SAj-GWzyoQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiSvenkibbeAhUrq4MKHUZMDRcQ9QEwAXoECAMQBg#imgrc=uXQhbgOwJDe-nM:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, For those of you that are morbidly curious, here is my thought process this morning:

What’s the point.  Not a question.  A statement.

We are born, we grow old, we die.  Done, end of story.  So what’s the point.  to have kids?  no, the world is full of death by unnatural causes, deciet, grief, and disgust.  I’m not saying that life isn’t about struggle, because it is, but why do we struggle?  We’re just going to die.

“You have to make the world a better place for the future of mankind!”  Why?  They’re going to die too.  The generations before us didn’t do shit.  Made things to make life easier and longer.  But why?  Because we’re afraid of death?  So what.  There’s nothing after this life.  NOTHING.  There’s no point in good or bad.  It’s just instinct and a societal agreement. But last i checked, SOCIETY SUCKS.  Racism is such a huge issue that i will never fully comprehend because i’m just a basic white bitch who’s terrified of going anywhere by myself.

“You live to make experiences!”  But you die in the end.  Again, no point to it.  One person cannot change the world and be fully remembered.  I’m just a stupid peon in life.I don’t know enough to help anyone and I can’t learn fast enough in order to make a difference.  I’m just a stupid preschooler.

What’s worse is I feel like I’m pushing my want to help the world onto my son.  He’s 3 and so smart.  Doctor’s and nurses tell me he’s something special and I know he is.  And it kills me to know that one day, he’ll die too.  Long after losing me and his dad.

 

I can’t even cry right now.  Every time i start, my depression and anxiety kicks in.  ‘you’re just crying to get attention.’  ‘you’re blogging for attention’ ‘you’re dead inside, just go walk in front of a bus’ ‘you’ll never make a difference in this world’ 

I can’t make them stop.  Creative output is out.  I have no drive to do anything.  No painting. No crocheting.  Just work.

All I want to do is curl up and disappear.  Just for a little while.

 

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There’s something about tonight….

I am not sure what it is about tonight.  Maybe it’s just because i finally have my computer set up, or the need to write something, or talk to someone….

or perhaps that i have a totally badass keyboard that makes the “tic tak” noises ON PURPOSE that i’m buying from my brother….

But i’m drawn to my computer.  To type something.  I don’t know what it is yet though.  Moving back into my parent’s house was a big blessing in my life….

I’m just a little worried that things aren’t going to go very well.  Mom is already complaining about my doggo, Nova, and the fact that I started decorating my room (with nails to hang things but then…. I really don’t know a reliable way to keep things up), and the fact that whenever I park in the driveway, my brother decides that he needs to park there too.

I cried at work today.  Things are getting a little overwhelming because I can’t work from home at all, even though i would love to, and I have so much computer work to do….

Lists to make and systems to update with information that is vital to the business continuing.  I didn’t even mean to get this job.  The job that is basically my dream job at basically my dream shop.  There’s a lot of negativity coming from the old staff and my friend is getting a lot of flack for helping the shop.

I really wish that people would just mind their own damn business and be kind to one another.  There is so much to a story than just your point of view.  Everyone is the main character in their own stories but so many don’t realize the affect they have on the people reading them.  (I hope that made sense.)

My handmade items aren’t selling at all.  I’m thinking i’m just not talented enough in order to make good quality items.  That’s the thing with being a jack of all trades…. I don’t excel at any one thing.  I make subpar things and then some people like them (mostly obligatory “wow that looks great!”)… but it’s never good enough.

I hope I can make decent youtube videos… Maybe…

Purple fingers of fun!

So this morning was a bust.  Reaching out to friends and family all morning making sure that everyone is safe and dry.  Des Moines had an emergency evacuation last night due to rising flood waters and the Saylorville Dam is getting close to overflowing.  There was even an announcer for Drake University that drowned in his vehicle.

Luckily for us, most of the people we know were safe at home or at a friends house.  Afterwards was a short time for sitting, chatting, and crafting.  I’m trying to get stock up for the Psychic Fair at the Des Moines New Age Shop on the 23rd of July so Crystal is making A TON of Pussy Hatsdownload.jpg

And I’m currently working on a witch hat.  It’s not as big as I was trying to make it and I’m not sure if i’ll like it very much.  Ugh.  I’m so picky.

So anyway.  We decided that we wanted to check out the water levels around us.  We hopped into the suburban and drove down to one of the boat access ways couldn’t even see the parking area it was so flooded.  After spending about 10 minutes taking pictures and chatting, we all got back into the suburban and headed for the dam.  We had a lot of fun looking out over the waters then headed down to the lower part of the dam.

There we found a mulberry tree.  We picked all the bottom branches clean of all of the ripe ones and filled up a plastic bottle with them.  We also picked a few mint clippings and brought fresh growth from the mulberry tree home so that we could get them to resprout and plant them at home.  The mulberries we picked were amazing in the vinaigrette that Crystal made.

All in all, today was a pretty good day.

 

A story to tell…

I really like telling stories.  Not really to anyone in general but mostly in my head because I make great short stories in my head that will probably never become a full fledged novel or even a short story.

Got any ideas?  I’ve got email.  I’m happy to read them, give pointers/what i think would be cool (because really i’m not much of a writer myself) because bouncing ideas is fun and bouncy.

ok.  so one idea i had was about bubbles.  i know it sounds weird, but you guys should know me by now and if you’re already this deep into this blog you’re accepting of the crazy.  I appreciate and fear your tenacity.

So!  Bubbles.  as in, our own little bubble worlds.  The ones where if you peek inside of a group of people walking around the mall, they will have a completely different world going on compared to the next bubble, and the next bubble, and the next bubble, AND FOREVER….  So my writing idea was about writing different stories based on one person in each bubble then either that being the end, or having something really climatic happen and you probably already know where i’m going on this….

 

Am I really that predictable?

BOO! *duck*

I love the fact that Peridot from Steven Universe just accepted and rolled with her alienness.  accepting the stickers and other weird things and making meepmorps.  I would get her gem tattooed on me but I think i would have a hard time keeping a job at that point.

(quick note that google wanted to change peridot to period and alienness to aliveness and that just makes my hour.)

So I’ve been doing better as far as my mental illness goes.  Some days are worse because I have to go to therapy or do SSI paperwork and I have to relive a lot of stuff and it makes me sad and anxious and have to take more meds than i wanted to today.  Thanks a lot deb.

Sorry if your name is deb.  I’m sure it isn’t you that i’m frustrated at.  But you could be.

Why you should duck when people say “BOO!”

I call them my Boos and when people are being rude or say mean things or are just being aggravating and anxiety inducing I yell boo and throw one.  They have grown into 4 and more will come.  If you want one let me know.  They’re 10$ in my store.

 

If anyone is wondering (mostly because i’m not sure if I’ve done this before or not) but I know that I am putting the dollar sign after the numbers because that’s how I read it/ say it so that’s how i’m spelling it.  Society be damned.  I don’t like having to look back to the beginning of your big numbers and have to go is it dollars, cents, yin, or euros?  Fuck people I have things to read!

Moving on.

Say hi to me.  Or your neighbor.  Or no one if you don’t want to.

BYE.

Holy Cannolies, Batman!

Oh my goodness.  So much has happened lately that I feel really bad for both not blogging about it before and for blogging about it now.

In the past (sorry, got distracted helping my BFF find some stuff for her homework… where was i?)  oh

in the past week i have turned 27, david has turned 3, I was denied an apartment, ben fixed up part of the basement for me to use as my own space, I single handedly took down the government, ad I’m now friends with an ex-con.  I’ll let you determine which parts are real.

Beyond those things i have also been comfortable living on my own via living my my BFF’s house because she was away and sometimes boys are stupid and you need to take some time away from them.  I have brought it to the attention of a few people that maybe i need to just go full lesbian but decided that getting a motorcycle was just out of the question financially…. for now anyway.  Plus, where would I put the carseat?

SIDECAR BITCHES.

Sorry if that last paragraph offended you.  I know that who you love is not a choice and sometimes we end up loving people who make you crazy and accuse you of losing your mind even when you’re on the mend.  I’m pretty sure ben has decided to either not read my blog for his own sanity or he just doesn’t bring it up.  Also, I in no way meant to imply that all lesbians have motorcycles like the buffalo gals of cow and chicken yesteryear.  I just look up to you all from a light of “holy shit these people are all so cool, why are they staring at me?  Oh yeah, I’m naked.”

download (Three Friends by John Curran)

No, this isn’t a picture of me.  This is actual art so no one can be offended and block me.  I hope.

 

Please love me?

 

Damn.

How do you make friends?

I really need to make more friends.  Like, even one more friend would be good.  I know that lots of people survive on being alone and in the internet which i am totally no dogging on.  I’m just not that type of person.  The only problem is that i only have 2 close friends that live near me that I can hang out with when needed/wanted/called upon.  One is my partner and the other is my best friend.  Unfortunately my BFF is moving to a different state this summer.  Which is super amazing for them because they’ll be following their plans and dreams and continue being a super amazing person.  The unfortunate thing is that I cannot go with them, not that I should or whatever, but this means i’m down one person that can get me out of the house when i really need to be pulled out.

BTW….

Depression totally sucks.  vodka is delicious.

I do not promote drinking while depressed or while on anti depressants.

Please drink responsibly….

and when you’re done please drink some water because hangovers suck.

p.s. the lonely island is funny as hell.