It strikes in the night

I swear to God depression is going to kill me. I can’t hardly sleep and when I do sleep I have vivid dreams and when the vivid dreams are nightmares their dreams about getting back together with my ex-husband. I hate these dreams not only because it makes divorcing him that much harder, but it also makes waking up that much harder.

In real life my ex-husband and I get along pretty well. We could pass for friends if things weren’t so awkward. We still get along and talk about video games tabletop games that he’s running tabletop games that I want to be playing. I tell him about my progress on some of our favorite games that we used to play together. And of course we co-parent. We co-parent so will that it’s weird. I say that it’s weird because I’ve seen other divorced parents co-parent and my ex-husband and I do it really well. We rarely fight or go back on what we say or do. In fact we’d give each other lots of time and notification of our plans so much so that it makes co-parenting easy. And I know that I really shouldn’t be griping or complaining and maybe I am but it’s just odd. But maybe that’s just me. I am a little odd.

Then likes to tell me that I need to be open to the Future and any possibilities of my ex-husband and I getting back together and dating and so forth the possibility that things could go right again. I hate this advice and I wish you would stop telling me that. I don’t want to hear it because I know it won’t happen. I know I can’t be as happy as I am in my dreams. I can’t be monogamous and that’s all Zac wants is to be monogamous and I can’t blame him for that. If that’s what makes him happy then I want him to be happy.

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Who can you call?

No one. Not at the moment. Ben is in the bedroom being grumpy at me because i don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m unhappy with the basement flooding with our own refuse because he refuses to skip a credit card bill or whatever to get it fixed. Instead he paid for a guy to clean out the pipes to give us “hopefully” a couple of months to save up.

My biggest problem?

Probably the fact that i made a decision as a grown ass person and mother to not allow my son to live in this house until the pipes are fixed. Hooray for me but Ben doesnt see it that way. He thinks i made a dumb decision (my words not his) to not have David here. Of course all i can think about is the fact that i still don’t have a job, I’m still living in this house, my house isn’t sold yet, I’m still not fucking divorced, and… i still can’t make a living doing anything.

Le sigh….

I know i shouldn’t try to rush things with the systems set up but I’ve been applying for jobs for months and i have nothing. I would upload my resume but that might be tmi.

Anyway… rant dinner for now. Here’s a couple of pictures i colored in to keep from hurting myself.

P.s. still thinking suicidal thoughts and they’re making me sick because all i can think of is saying goodbye to my son. The scariest thing is thinking about is how my brain is convinced he won’t miss me. *sobbing now*

The funny thing about anxiety.

anxiety doesn’t care if you’ve been having a good day or bad day. It doesnt care if you think logically or emotionally. Rationally or irrationally. Alone or with loved ones. Wide awake or dead tired. It doesnt care if you’re having fun or oon a bad mood. Rain or shine. Day or night.

Anxiety doesn’t give a flying fuckin space.

Why? Because that’s not its job. It’s job is to seek out triggers that aren’t there. Movements, shadows, sounds, smells, tastes, memories, thoughts. These are all its prey.

And what happens when it smells fear? It attacks. The only problem id’s that it’s 10 o’clock at night, both kids are asleep, you’re trying to calm yourself down so your anti anxiety pills (or Chris Pratt) can kick in and save the day.

(That booty can save me any day)

Except it won’t.

You’ll fall, hard, tearing your hair out, trying to get the screaming thoughts out but you can’t. They won’t stop no matter how much you breathe and stifle screams and cries.

But I’m lucky.

Ben heard me from the other room, came in and pulled me to my side on the floor and pressed his arms and chest on top of me. My breathing safety blanket helped me realize where i was and that i was safe. I was not being hurt or under attack. I love him so much for knowing enough about anxiety that he could be my safety.

Ps. What set me off? Thinking about my grandmother telling my mother that i told her i have PTSD as diagnosed by my psychologist. Family politics are bullshit and i won’t have it anymore.

Pps. I’m going to be saving up money to get a service dog for when i have my own apartment. Please help out by making purchases in my etsy shop.

Kermits naked hermit

No. I dont have Kermit nor am i naked. 

But it is day 2 of not leaving the house.  YouTube and Alexa are my best friends and the dogs are my reality checks, however faulty. I say they’re faulty because they have a tendency to go off spontaneously.  Thoughts of exercise float and poke me in the head but the couch and sleep usually win. 

It’s darker in the living room than the bedroom, which means that my makeshift curtains are working. 
The kitchen windows are still uncovered so i don’t go in there much. 

My delusions are not as strong during the day so I’ve been able to sweep/ mop the hardwood floors and do some laundry. Though, i can’t bring any baskets up because they hinder running up the stairs. I think january is sleeping and i don’t want to wake them up. 

I missed you too!

Don’t worry my chickidees.  I didn’t forget about you.

Unless you didn’t really notice that I was gone…. then… I missed you….

Ugh.  This entire week has been a complete nightmare.

First.  Ben had to take his daughter to Minnesota to see her mom and blah blah blah so no Ben.

Second. I got the Flu.  That’s right.  The flu.  No, I didn’t get a flu shot.  Yes, I usually do since getting pregnant and having my son.  Speaking of which…

Third. I had my son, all fucking weekend.  While sick and had absolutely no support.  OK, I’m lying.  I had Clara, my best friend.  But only through texts and calls so that I didn’t get her sick.

Fourth.  I had to explain to my mother why I don’t want to live with her, which really sucked because I feel like she has this idea that we can be bffs if we live together.  We can’t.  I’ve accepted it.  moving on.

Fifth.  My van broke.  ish.  It attempted to be more fuel efficient and become a 5 cylinder engine instead of a 6th cylinder that it’s supposed to be.  So it shook the entire drive from a nice little restaurant about 10 minutes from home.

So, my life has been a bit hectic in the past week.  There were a few attempts at an entry but every time I would try, I would either have a breakdown or my phone would die.  I could have typed it on my laptop but I couldn’t type because my brain was blah.

 

P.S.  I am going to try to earn some money in order to monetize my site.  If you want to help, visit my etsy shop!

Thursday struggles

Trigger warning: anxiety, depression, self harm.
Please, don’t take me for a fool fore i won’t take you as one. But i swear, the pictures began talking to me. 

Let me explain, my job is to sort preschool pictures, weigh them, and dump them. The reasons are too complex to explain in this blog but if you really want to know, shoot me an email. 

At work i like to listen to audiobooks to escape the drole of paper repititiously being moved along desks and hands.   Plus it gives a louder voice for all the other ones to sit in a circle during story time and try to relax. 

Unfortunately, they were given too much sugar and won’t sit down, let alone listen to the story. So i tried to ground, breathing in and pushing out roots to try to bring me back to myself.  Next time I’m bringing a rope. 

Today is a day for flying. I want to go home and curl up in my blankets and sleep all day. I cant focus and makes working even more difficult. I actual stared  at my box cutter and had thoughts of self harm to try to bring me back to myself. I haven’t so far today and I’ll continue trying to keep myself in the building. 

Thank the gods that i have therapy today. 

P.S. the book I’m listening to is A Study in Scarlet Women by Sherry Thomas.  I highly recommend it. 

Oh Wednesday…. You’re just so… weird.

As I got up for work, I knew that today was going to be… a struggle.  I crawled into my freezing van and prayed to Loki that my van wouldn’t start.  The damned thing did and I swore vengeance upon it, but silently in my head because I really don’t want to die driving.  A voice from behind me said something about dying on the way to work wouldn’t be so bad because then we wouldn’t have to go to work, then another piped in with something about injury was better than death and I just rolled my eyes as they started arguing semantics and wiggled out of the van to let it warm up.

The voices followed me inside into the warm house and continued their bickering but I had no time for it.  I had two other voices telling me that I needed to pack a lunch and had to figure out what I wanted to eat for lunch.  One said “Just pack peanut butter and chocolate chips.  That’ll fill us up.” the other one, shaking their head, said “No, you need more than just that.  That’s the whole reason we’re fat!”

Shaking my own head, I grab a coffee mug, fill it with water, and take my meds.  They haven’t been all that great lately, only keeping one or two of the voices in their rooms, tucked away in their warm and cozy beds probably dreaming up new ways to kill and or torture me.  They worked at first and that was when they let me out of the hospital.  But I guess one of them decided they wouldn’t listen to the sleeping bells anymore.  Then they got bored just being one and woke up another, then another, and now it’s like a daycare with adult vocabulary.  A Fraternity/Sorority mixed together.

Sorry, I just got distracted by Mama’s Family and now I can’t remember where this post was going.  Hang on, let me think.

Found it.  Basically, today was just weird.  I had plans to go shopping that fell through because it was just so cold out.  Work went by so slow I wanted to badly to fall asleep and take a nap.  I made plans for this weekend with my son, made sure that he approved (he’s two, if he doesn’t agree with something then we both suffer) then went home.  And there we stayed.  And here we are now.  Though, David is now asleep and i’m laying on the couch, blogging, with all the pain meds i could find and a heating pad to top it off.

Anyway, Therapy is tomorrow so it will be better.

P.S. I have started my first day of no poo shampoo showers.  Using Rye Flour I’m hoping to save money by using this method but I really need to learn to read all the directions before starting such things.  Maybe next week will be my first week with the Rye Flour shampoo.