Existence Crisis

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TRIGGER WARNING

I have been having one hell of a morning inside my head and I need to get it out.  If you are easily upset or have issues with existence and don’t want to be depressed today then please, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY.  Look at puppy photos instead…

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https://www.google.com/search?q=puppy+photos&rlz=1C1VFKB_enUS685US690&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=3u_57kUtaKoLhM%253A%252C5KMC1IX1OWFb4M%252C_&usg=AI4_-kTAxeqlUyCGFKi3RVA5SAj-GWzyoQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiSvenkibbeAhUrq4MKHUZMDRcQ9QEwAXoECAMQBg#imgrc=uXQhbgOwJDe-nM:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, For those of you that are morbidly curious, here is my thought process this morning:

What’s the point.  Not a question.  A statement.

We are born, we grow old, we die.  Done, end of story.  So what’s the point.  to have kids?  no, the world is full of death by unnatural causes, deciet, grief, and disgust.  I’m not saying that life isn’t about struggle, because it is, but why do we struggle?  We’re just going to die.

“You have to make the world a better place for the future of mankind!”  Why?  They’re going to die too.  The generations before us didn’t do shit.  Made things to make life easier and longer.  But why?  Because we’re afraid of death?  So what.  There’s nothing after this life.  NOTHING.  There’s no point in good or bad.  It’s just instinct and a societal agreement. But last i checked, SOCIETY SUCKS.  Racism is such a huge issue that i will never fully comprehend because i’m just a basic white bitch who’s terrified of going anywhere by myself.

“You live to make experiences!”  But you die in the end.  Again, no point to it.  One person cannot change the world and be fully remembered.  I’m just a stupid peon in life.I don’t know enough to help anyone and I can’t learn fast enough in order to make a difference.  I’m just a stupid preschooler.

What’s worse is I feel like I’m pushing my want to help the world onto my son.  He’s 3 and so smart.  Doctor’s and nurses tell me he’s something special and I know he is.  And it kills me to know that one day, he’ll die too.  Long after losing me and his dad.

 

I can’t even cry right now.  Every time i start, my depression and anxiety kicks in.  ‘you’re just crying to get attention.’  ‘you’re blogging for attention’ ‘you’re dead inside, just go walk in front of a bus’ ‘you’ll never make a difference in this world’ 

I can’t make them stop.  Creative output is out.  I have no drive to do anything.  No painting. No crocheting.  Just work.

All I want to do is curl up and disappear.  Just for a little while.

 

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There’s something about tonight….

I am not sure what it is about tonight.  Maybe it’s just because i finally have my computer set up, or the need to write something, or talk to someone….

or perhaps that i have a totally badass keyboard that makes the “tic tak” noises ON PURPOSE that i’m buying from my brother….

But i’m drawn to my computer.  To type something.  I don’t know what it is yet though.  Moving back into my parent’s house was a big blessing in my life….

I’m just a little worried that things aren’t going to go very well.  Mom is already complaining about my doggo, Nova, and the fact that I started decorating my room (with nails to hang things but then…. I really don’t know a reliable way to keep things up), and the fact that whenever I park in the driveway, my brother decides that he needs to park there too.

I cried at work today.  Things are getting a little overwhelming because I can’t work from home at all, even though i would love to, and I have so much computer work to do….

Lists to make and systems to update with information that is vital to the business continuing.  I didn’t even mean to get this job.  The job that is basically my dream job at basically my dream shop.  There’s a lot of negativity coming from the old staff and my friend is getting a lot of flack for helping the shop.

I really wish that people would just mind their own damn business and be kind to one another.  There is so much to a story than just your point of view.  Everyone is the main character in their own stories but so many don’t realize the affect they have on the people reading them.  (I hope that made sense.)

My handmade items aren’t selling at all.  I’m thinking i’m just not talented enough in order to make good quality items.  That’s the thing with being a jack of all trades…. I don’t excel at any one thing.  I make subpar things and then some people like them (mostly obligatory “wow that looks great!”)… but it’s never good enough.

I hope I can make decent youtube videos… Maybe…

Note to self…

NEVER DRINK COFFEE AT 9 PM I DON’T CARE HOW TIRED YOU ARE DON’T DO IT!!!!

oh.  and also, you may need to eat something eventually.  I know we’re trying to stay on our diet and keep the weight off and stuff BUT HUNGER KEEPS US AWAKE AS MUCH AS THE CAFFEINE DOES.

the end.

P.S.  Don’t forget to mention that you now have one of your dream jobs at one of your dream stores so pinch yourself to make sure you haven’t passed out due to exhaustion.

Doing the opposite

TRIGGER WARNING…..

I’m fucking drunk.  I’m mentally ill and having a VERY bad moment… ok it’s been a few hours but wtf ever.  I am not going to be talking about fluffy kittens and unicorns.  If that is why you’re here then here:

These are not my pictures.  I just googled them.

Now, if that’s what you wanted then leave now.  It only gets darker from here.

 

 

 

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Still there?  wow.  grew a pair of ovaries did we?  whatever.  your sanity.

 

I get drunk when I have a breakdown so that shit makes sense to me.

Having a breakdown is not a picnic.  It’s a literal shitstorm in your mind.  Like everything in the world is just the same as it was, but now everything is screaming at you.  Inanimate objects, your internal voices (which apparently there’s really only supposed to be one but I have 6 so take that. XP)  Today it was the babygate that seperated the living room from the kitchen.  I scolded Mik (ben’s daughter) for the nth time for stepping over the damn thing instead of using it properly like i have asked her to do since it got put in the house last year.  It literally takes more effort to step over the damn thing than it does to open it and walk through.  I take a minute and do some sweeping trying to figure out why I don’t like it and tell her this:

“I don’t like you stepping over the gate because you are disrespecting my wishes and not using the gate properly.  Kind of like your door.  If I was to just open it as I so pleased without your permission then you get upset.  So please use the gate correctly and i’ll use your door correctly.”

her response? “well, you’ve walked in on me without my permission before”

My response. “Fine.  I’ll use your door as i please and you can just kick the gate down for all I care.  Does that work for you?” of course I”m not at muy normal talking voice but she starts telling me that i’m yelling.  loud-noises.gif

I don’t yell easily.  I just know how to project my voice to be heard over people.  It’s not yelling if i’m not straining.

I give up.  She finishes with the dishes and I continue with cleaning the damn living room, which has turned against me in my mind.  The fucking piano had evil eyes that wanted to kill me.  She goes for a walk and I finish cleaning before losing my shit.

everything is yelling in my head even though the house is silent. Fucking silent and all i can hear is screams.  I want to die.  Instead I take down the fucking gate so that I don’t have to have the god damn argument again.  I begin crying and wailing because of what the gate meant and how it was supposed to be there for david but david isn’t here anymore.  He can’t live here until ben fixes the fucking pipe.  when will that be?  Gods only know.

So I drink.  Because being drunk means my meltdown makes sense.  My blubbering and anger and the screaming everything makes more sense.  Because right now my head doesn’t.

 

BOO! *duck*

I love the fact that Peridot from Steven Universe just accepted and rolled with her alienness.  accepting the stickers and other weird things and making meepmorps.  I would get her gem tattooed on me but I think i would have a hard time keeping a job at that point.

(quick note that google wanted to change peridot to period and alienness to aliveness and that just makes my hour.)

So I’ve been doing better as far as my mental illness goes.  Some days are worse because I have to go to therapy or do SSI paperwork and I have to relive a lot of stuff and it makes me sad and anxious and have to take more meds than i wanted to today.  Thanks a lot deb.

Sorry if your name is deb.  I’m sure it isn’t you that i’m frustrated at.  But you could be.

Why you should duck when people say “BOO!”

I call them my Boos and when people are being rude or say mean things or are just being aggravating and anxiety inducing I yell boo and throw one.  They have grown into 4 and more will come.  If you want one let me know.  They’re 10$ in my store.

 

If anyone is wondering (mostly because i’m not sure if I’ve done this before or not) but I know that I am putting the dollar sign after the numbers because that’s how I read it/ say it so that’s how i’m spelling it.  Society be damned.  I don’t like having to look back to the beginning of your big numbers and have to go is it dollars, cents, yin, or euros?  Fuck people I have things to read!

Moving on.

Say hi to me.  Or your neighbor.  Or no one if you don’t want to.

BYE.

How do you make friends?

I really need to make more friends.  Like, even one more friend would be good.  I know that lots of people survive on being alone and in the internet which i am totally no dogging on.  I’m just not that type of person.  The only problem is that i only have 2 close friends that live near me that I can hang out with when needed/wanted/called upon.  One is my partner and the other is my best friend.  Unfortunately my BFF is moving to a different state this summer.  Which is super amazing for them because they’ll be following their plans and dreams and continue being a super amazing person.  The unfortunate thing is that I cannot go with them, not that I should or whatever, but this means i’m down one person that can get me out of the house when i really need to be pulled out.

BTW….

Depression totally sucks.  vodka is delicious.

I do not promote drinking while depressed or while on anti depressants.

Please drink responsibly….

and when you’re done please drink some water because hangovers suck.

p.s. the lonely island is funny as hell.

I should get to keep stray dogs.

This is Cruella.

She is lovable, soft, sweet, quiet, and snuggly. She is also, sadly, not mine.

Give me a second to explain.

I’m not a doggo napper if any kind, i sure you. I noticed she was in my neighbor’s yard but my neighbor’s don’t have a dog. Trust me, their girls would probably never get over the fact that they have a dog.

Anyway, I have been trying to convince Ben to let me keep her, but he’s pretty adamant about letting animal control take her. Of course I agree butt this does not stop me from trying to convince him to let me keep her.

Oh well.

P.s. Animal control now has her and I hope she gets home soon.