That moment when…

So I don’t know about you guys, but since starting my anti-anxiety meds instead of having full-on panic attacks I will have moments of self hatred but not coming from myself. I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense but here’s one way that I can describe it:

My brain is a Megabus.

Usually everyone’s quiet and is along for the ride most of them are sleeping others are equipping in with obvious observations about the outside world. Some are even having social-psychological conversations with themselves giving me quite a bit to think about. But when I start to have a lot of anxiety they all wake up and they’re all start shouting at me, the bus driver. And they begin driving from every seat in the bus but my own. If anyone has worked in retail you will probably understand this. Being the bus driver means that I can’t react I can simply say shut up period sometimes but usually it’s just shut up.

But sometimes my mind is a terrorist.

And because I’m American I’m sure I have to sit here and explain that no I do not mean someone wearing a turban speaking Arabic or someone from another country that other less educated Americans would believe to be terrorists. I apologize if I offend anyone I really do not mean to this is not the point of my blog. I’m actually quite fascinated with cultures languages and people around the world and if you would love to talk to me please message me. Or not I would totally understand. As I have told my boyfriend you should not stick your dick in crazy or let crazy stick it stick and you. And I’m sure that correlates to messaging crazy people. But don’t quote me on that or do I don’t care. Maybe I do. Shit.

Any way back from that rant what I mean by my mind is a terrorist is the fact that sometimes those passengers who like to say mean things about how I’m driving like to jump into my lap or completely remove me from the driver seat and decide to drive it the way they want to which unfortunately is not always healthy for the bus AKA my body? Anyway so I take a an Emergency anti-anxiety pill which isn’t currently working.

I won’t bore, or scare, you with all the things that my brain tends to come up with but I can tell you that they are not nice and they are really demoralising and saddening.

Anyway, I’m currently house sitting for my best friend at the moment and will be for the next week so yay me and doing things on my own. hashtag trial run living on my own for the first time in my ever fucking life. But that story comes later.

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Who can you call?

No one. Not at the moment. Ben is in the bedroom being grumpy at me because i don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m unhappy with the basement flooding with our own refuse because he refuses to skip a credit card bill or whatever to get it fixed. Instead he paid for a guy to clean out the pipes to give us “hopefully” a couple of months to save up.

My biggest problem?

Probably the fact that i made a decision as a grown ass person and mother to not allow my son to live in this house until the pipes are fixed. Hooray for me but Ben doesnt see it that way. He thinks i made a dumb decision (my words not his) to not have David here. Of course all i can think about is the fact that i still don’t have a job, I’m still living in this house, my house isn’t sold yet, I’m still not fucking divorced, and… i still can’t make a living doing anything.

Le sigh….

I know i shouldn’t try to rush things with the systems set up but I’ve been applying for jobs for months and i have nothing. I would upload my resume but that might be tmi.

Anyway… rant dinner for now. Here’s a couple of pictures i colored in to keep from hurting myself.

P.s. still thinking suicidal thoughts and they’re making me sick because all i can think of is saying goodbye to my son. The scariest thing is thinking about is how my brain is convinced he won’t miss me. *sobbing now*

The funny thing about anxiety.

anxiety doesn’t care if you’ve been having a good day or bad day. It doesnt care if you think logically or emotionally. Rationally or irrationally. Alone or with loved ones. Wide awake or dead tired. It doesnt care if you’re having fun or oon a bad mood. Rain or shine. Day or night.

Anxiety doesn’t give a flying fuckin space.

Why? Because that’s not its job. It’s job is to seek out triggers that aren’t there. Movements, shadows, sounds, smells, tastes, memories, thoughts. These are all its prey.

And what happens when it smells fear? It attacks. The only problem id’s that it’s 10 o’clock at night, both kids are asleep, you’re trying to calm yourself down so your anti anxiety pills (or Chris Pratt) can kick in and save the day.

(That booty can save me any day)

Except it won’t.

You’ll fall, hard, tearing your hair out, trying to get the screaming thoughts out but you can’t. They won’t stop no matter how much you breathe and stifle screams and cries.

But I’m lucky.

Ben heard me from the other room, came in and pulled me to my side on the floor and pressed his arms and chest on top of me. My breathing safety blanket helped me realize where i was and that i was safe. I was not being hurt or under attack. I love him so much for knowing enough about anxiety that he could be my safety.

Ps. What set me off? Thinking about my grandmother telling my mother that i told her i have PTSD as diagnosed by my psychologist. Family politics are bullshit and i won’t have it anymore.

Pps. I’m going to be saving up money to get a service dog for when i have my own apartment. Please help out by making purchases in my etsy shop.

I hate mondays.

Woke up and went to work, as per usual, with a lovely blanket of snow and ice this morning.  Made it safe, so it wasn’t too bad.  I was hoping the day would go quickly because I didn’t have a chance to make myself lunch.

I really should not have even thought those words.

*DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN*

I got laid off work today.  They are being generous enough that they will pay me my wages through the rest of the week (yay free money! ish) but that also means that I get to stay home.  Alone.  and wait.

I did have an interview today with a temp agency.  That went fairly well, except that it was over skype and the connection kept getting frayed.  I don’t know if it was hers or mine but it was ridiculous.  Not to mention the fact that she had to have been in a phone bank, what with all the noise.  I was sitting in Clara’s nice and quiet office.  I guess the agency doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.

Now i’m at home, with a grumpy ben cause he’s in pain and grumpy about it.  Oh well.

I get to sleep in tomorrow before the ever fated appointment of change tomorrow.

I”m terrified.

I missed you too!

Don’t worry my chickidees.  I didn’t forget about you.

Unless you didn’t really notice that I was gone…. then… I missed you….

Ugh.  This entire week has been a complete nightmare.

First.  Ben had to take his daughter to Minnesota to see her mom and blah blah blah so no Ben.

Second. I got the Flu.  That’s right.  The flu.  No, I didn’t get a flu shot.  Yes, I usually do since getting pregnant and having my son.  Speaking of which…

Third. I had my son, all fucking weekend.  While sick and had absolutely no support.  OK, I’m lying.  I had Clara, my best friend.  But only through texts and calls so that I didn’t get her sick.

Fourth.  I had to explain to my mother why I don’t want to live with her, which really sucked because I feel like she has this idea that we can be bffs if we live together.  We can’t.  I’ve accepted it.  moving on.

Fifth.  My van broke.  ish.  It attempted to be more fuel efficient and become a 5 cylinder engine instead of a 6th cylinder that it’s supposed to be.  So it shook the entire drive from a nice little restaurant about 10 minutes from home.

So, my life has been a bit hectic in the past week.  There were a few attempts at an entry but every time I would try, I would either have a breakdown or my phone would die.  I could have typed it on my laptop but I couldn’t type because my brain was blah.

 

P.S.  I am going to try to earn some money in order to monetize my site.  If you want to help, visit my etsy shop!

Thursday struggles

Trigger warning: anxiety, depression, self harm.
Please, don’t take me for a fool fore i won’t take you as one. But i swear, the pictures began talking to me. 

Let me explain, my job is to sort preschool pictures, weigh them, and dump them. The reasons are too complex to explain in this blog but if you really want to know, shoot me an email. 

At work i like to listen to audiobooks to escape the drole of paper repititiously being moved along desks and hands.   Plus it gives a louder voice for all the other ones to sit in a circle during story time and try to relax. 

Unfortunately, they were given too much sugar and won’t sit down, let alone listen to the story. So i tried to ground, breathing in and pushing out roots to try to bring me back to myself.  Next time I’m bringing a rope. 

Today is a day for flying. I want to go home and curl up in my blankets and sleep all day. I cant focus and makes working even more difficult. I actual stared  at my box cutter and had thoughts of self harm to try to bring me back to myself. I haven’t so far today and I’ll continue trying to keep myself in the building. 

Thank the gods that i have therapy today. 

P.S. the book I’m listening to is A Study in Scarlet Women by Sherry Thomas.  I highly recommend it. 

Me or me? An ultimatum in my mind

I had a conversation with ben last night.  New Years Eve we had a big fight and I still don’t feel right about it.  David wanted to sleep on his new gift from my grandmother and I was happy to oblige because, well because i didn’t have an argument against it.  Ben did.  It was his living room in his house.  Suddenly, all that work I did to make this house to feel like home is gone.   I don’t feel welcome.  I can barely sleep in my own bed.

Ben and I talked and he apologized but proceeded to tell me that he wouldn’t watch me fall into the abyss.  The abyss being a place where i’m no longer in touch with a functional reality and I can no longer fit in.  Not that I’ve ever fit in in my life but I don’t feel like i’m falling.  I feel like i’m just not in control.  like i’m locked in or out of my body but someone else is pushing the buttons.  That part i’m not fond of.

But I do like seeing the squirrels who want to cuddle with me when they are tired.  The dragons that help me to remember my meds, the feminist climber from the 20’s who tells me that I have to take risks and blaze my own trail even if the fire turns purple.  I like embracing my reality because of 2 things.

  1. This is the only reality I’ve ever known.  Fighting it only made me depressed and embracing it means that I get to interact with everything that is going on in my mind.
  2. This road to “Sanity”, climbing out of the abyss, is hard and scary and it sucks so much.  I want to have as much fun as I can to help deal with my suffering.  The alternative is apparently not an option.

I do my best to let the people around me know what’s happening.  Sometimes they think it’s funny too and that’s what I need.  I need joy throughout the suffering.

I won’t choose.  Life will show me where I land, whether that’s into the abyss or reaching the top of the canyon.  I’ll be somewhere.  I just hope i’m surrounded by loved ones either way.