Thursday struggles

Trigger warning: anxiety, depression, self harm.
Please, don’t take me for a fool fore i won’t take you as one. But i swear, the pictures began talking to me. 

Let me explain, my job is to sort preschool pictures, weigh them, and dump them. The reasons are too complex to explain in this blog but if you really want to know, shoot me an email. 

At work i like to listen to audiobooks to escape the drole of paper repititiously being moved along desks and hands.   Plus it gives a louder voice for all the other ones to sit in a circle during story time and try to relax. 

Unfortunately, they were given too much sugar and won’t sit down, let alone listen to the story. So i tried to ground, breathing in and pushing out roots to try to bring me back to myself.  Next time I’m bringing a rope. 

Today is a day for flying. I want to go home and curl up in my blankets and sleep all day. I cant focus and makes working even more difficult. I actual stared  at my box cutter and had thoughts of self harm to try to bring me back to myself. I haven’t so far today and I’ll continue trying to keep myself in the building. 

Thank the gods that i have therapy today. 

P.S. the book I’m listening to is A Study in Scarlet Women by Sherry Thomas.  I highly recommend it. 


Vibrating the voices out of me.

I just got home from experiencing my very first sound meditation.  But first, penguins love snow outside my window but have finally gone to bed and so must i soon.

At about 4pm my best friend Clara came and picked me up for the day.  We stopped at gateway market (which is delicious btw) before stopping at the local pagan shop just down the street.  Ancient Ways is a great little shop.  Once I get over my fears and actually do a little marketing work I’ll take some of my woodwork to them.  The woman running the store, Gayle, has a doctorate in herbology.  She could work for Hogwarts and be the best.  Anyway, I asked about stones and herbs for healing and schizophrenia.  I began wandering and watching faeries dance around in the ceiling, feeling like I’m swimming through a fog when Gayle looks and me and begins instructing me on breathing and grounding.  I do as i’m told and am gently led to a chair and given two stones to hold on to.

As my brain begins to clear, I start to feel more like myself than like a hummingbird trapped in a cage.

Following this experience Clara and I drove to a nondenominational church and proceeded to take part in the best adult sleepover ever.  Everyone is really friendly and even if they aren’t necessarily pagan or universalist, they are open to having conversations with us.  We packed that church room.  With the super-moon above us and a new year beginning, we all begin to slowly follow the leaders instructions of meditation.

Let me tell you: this was the best meditation I’ve ever experienced.  I felt the vibrations of the gongs and singing bowls and bells wrapped around my body and enveloped my mind until the voices could think anymore.  I began a journey of flying with a brown eagle who led me to a stream.  I floated on the stream for a moment before allowing the gongs to sink me into the water.  There I met a Koi fish who helped me face a fear of moving forward.  We swam up river and up a waterfall where a bear waited, catching fish in its mouth.  The koi fish reassured me that the bear did not want me and that i just needed to keep swimming.  Finally making it above the waterfall I lay on the shore for what felt like days.  From there I felt a presence of Love and protection.

Jurai, the panther, is my guide.  He told me so and helped me run through the forests, with and against the sound waves of each gong and bell.  We slept high in the trees before finally returning to a hollowed out part of a willow tree.  There, he assured me that he would be with me through my journey this year.  He would be there to guide me and be there to comfort me.

From there we were guided out of the meditation and stretched into our unified energy.  It was fantastic and I can’t stop smiling about it.

My intention for this year is to be happy.  I have a long journey ahead of me.  But I will be happy.