Existence Crisis

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TRIGGER WARNING

I have been having one hell of a morning inside my head and I need to get it out.  If you are easily upset or have issues with existence and don’t want to be depressed today then please, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY.  Look at puppy photos instead…

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https://www.google.com/search?q=puppy+photos&rlz=1C1VFKB_enUS685US690&tbm=isch&source=iu&ictx=1&fir=3u_57kUtaKoLhM%253A%252C5KMC1IX1OWFb4M%252C_&usg=AI4_-kTAxeqlUyCGFKi3RVA5SAj-GWzyoQ&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiSvenkibbeAhUrq4MKHUZMDRcQ9QEwAXoECAMQBg#imgrc=uXQhbgOwJDe-nM:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, For those of you that are morbidly curious, here is my thought process this morning:

What’s the point.  Not a question.  A statement.

We are born, we grow old, we die.  Done, end of story.  So what’s the point.  to have kids?  no, the world is full of death by unnatural causes, deciet, grief, and disgust.  I’m not saying that life isn’t about struggle, because it is, but why do we struggle?  We’re just going to die.

“You have to make the world a better place for the future of mankind!”  Why?  They’re going to die too.  The generations before us didn’t do shit.  Made things to make life easier and longer.  But why?  Because we’re afraid of death?  So what.  There’s nothing after this life.  NOTHING.  There’s no point in good or bad.  It’s just instinct and a societal agreement. But last i checked, SOCIETY SUCKS.  Racism is such a huge issue that i will never fully comprehend because i’m just a basic white bitch who’s terrified of going anywhere by myself.

“You live to make experiences!”  But you die in the end.  Again, no point to it.  One person cannot change the world and be fully remembered.  I’m just a stupid peon in life.I don’t know enough to help anyone and I can’t learn fast enough in order to make a difference.  I’m just a stupid preschooler.

What’s worse is I feel like I’m pushing my want to help the world onto my son.  He’s 3 and so smart.  Doctor’s and nurses tell me he’s something special and I know he is.  And it kills me to know that one day, he’ll die too.  Long after losing me and his dad.

 

I can’t even cry right now.  Every time i start, my depression and anxiety kicks in.  ‘you’re just crying to get attention.’  ‘you’re blogging for attention’ ‘you’re dead inside, just go walk in front of a bus’ ‘you’ll never make a difference in this world’ 

I can’t make them stop.  Creative output is out.  I have no drive to do anything.  No painting. No crocheting.  Just work.

All I want to do is curl up and disappear.  Just for a little while.

 

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Midnight…. We meet again….

I’m so over not sleeping but my silly little brain likes to leave my pills in the van.  Of course every time i go out to get them… I get distracted.  3 Times by Darla (cat) curled up on a chair on the porch…. I’m a terrible person.  but probably not.  Youtube is both my friend and my enemy at this point.  I keep trying to find things to read or comment on but i’m not good at finding those sorts of things.

Reddit?  I still don’t understand how that works.  Yeah.  I know, i’m getting old, shut up.

no wait, come back!  I’m sorry, that was mean of me.

Can we still be friends?  Yes you can call me old but only if i get to make fun of the fact that you like justin beiber.  fair?  fair.

Okay… so youtube…. enemies…. OH!!!  So, sleeping on my best friends couch is pretty cool.  I get to have the living room to myself, I get to sleep with my dog Nova… and then reality sets in and I end up getting the creepy crawlies all night (My apologies if you continue reading and get them too)

I have picked several ticks off of myself about every other night.  Usually I can head this off by performing tick checks on Nova (in particular), Diesel, and Smaug.  Smaug is a bit difficult because he is old and doesn’t care for laying on his back.  Diesel is rambunctious but usually doesn’t have any on him.  Nova, on the other hand usually has anywhere from 1-3 on her at night.  I usually try to do the checking after I get home from work since the dogs will have been outside if not all day, then part of the day.

YAAAAAAY country living.

I should get to keep stray dogs.

This is Cruella.

She is lovable, soft, sweet, quiet, and snuggly. She is also, sadly, not mine.

Give me a second to explain.

I’m not a doggo napper if any kind, i sure you. I noticed she was in my neighbor’s yard but my neighbor’s don’t have a dog. Trust me, their girls would probably never get over the fact that they have a dog.

Anyway, I have been trying to convince Ben to let me keep her, but he’s pretty adamant about letting animal control take her. Of course I agree butt this does not stop me from trying to convince him to let me keep her.

Oh well.

P.s. Animal control now has her and I hope she gets home soon.

The funny thing about anxiety.

anxiety doesn’t care if you’ve been having a good day or bad day. It doesnt care if you think logically or emotionally. Rationally or irrationally. Alone or with loved ones. Wide awake or dead tired. It doesnt care if you’re having fun or oon a bad mood. Rain or shine. Day or night.

Anxiety doesn’t give a flying fuckin space.

Why? Because that’s not its job. It’s job is to seek out triggers that aren’t there. Movements, shadows, sounds, smells, tastes, memories, thoughts. These are all its prey.

And what happens when it smells fear? It attacks. The only problem id’s that it’s 10 o’clock at night, both kids are asleep, you’re trying to calm yourself down so your anti anxiety pills (or Chris Pratt) can kick in and save the day.

(That booty can save me any day)

Except it won’t.

You’ll fall, hard, tearing your hair out, trying to get the screaming thoughts out but you can’t. They won’t stop no matter how much you breathe and stifle screams and cries.

But I’m lucky.

Ben heard me from the other room, came in and pulled me to my side on the floor and pressed his arms and chest on top of me. My breathing safety blanket helped me realize where i was and that i was safe. I was not being hurt or under attack. I love him so much for knowing enough about anxiety that he could be my safety.

Ps. What set me off? Thinking about my grandmother telling my mother that i told her i have PTSD as diagnosed by my psychologist. Family politics are bullshit and i won’t have it anymore.

Pps. I’m going to be saving up money to get a service dog for when i have my own apartment. Please help out by making purchases in my etsy shop.

Kermits naked hermit

No. I dont have Kermit nor am i naked. 

But it is day 2 of not leaving the house.  YouTube and Alexa are my best friends and the dogs are my reality checks, however faulty. I say they’re faulty because they have a tendency to go off spontaneously.  Thoughts of exercise float and poke me in the head but the couch and sleep usually win. 

It’s darker in the living room than the bedroom, which means that my makeshift curtains are working. 
The kitchen windows are still uncovered so i don’t go in there much. 

My delusions are not as strong during the day so I’ve been able to sweep/ mop the hardwood floors and do some laundry. Though, i can’t bring any baskets up because they hinder running up the stairs. I think january is sleeping and i don’t want to wake them up. 

stop watching me

TRIGGER WARNING:  I’m fucked in the head and i’m alone and paranoia has set in.  If you are triggered easily DO NOT READ THIS.

 

i feel like i’m being watched.  i’ve covered the windows in the living room so that they would stop but the motion light keeps turning on over the back door.  logic tells me that it’s the wind and the chimes but i can’t stop the feeling of terror that rushes over me.  I can’t stop the fear that freezes me to listen to footsteps that i know aren’t really there.

 

I hate myself.  i’m scaring my partner, and if i’m perfectly honest i’m scaring myself.  I know a way to calm myself but I can’t because that means going outside and if I go outside then i’ll be in trouble because then they’ll get me.  I can’t be alone.  they watch me when i’m alone.

I have the dogs this time.  To help with my reality checks.  The problem is that i haven’t used these dogs as my reality checks before.  When i moved in with ben, he was my reality check.  now, i’m alone.

 

stop watching me.

Promptly Written

So, I have decided to try to follow a daily writing prompt… thing, in an attempt to try to blog more.  Not that i’m not blogging enough (or am i…. Can you, my followers tell me?) but I am trying to figure out how to get more followers and more reactions from my current followers.  I know that I should pay for my blog because then it would probably be boosted or whatever, kind of like facebook, but I just don’t have the money.  I’d love to try to monetize my blog but i think i’ll wait just a bit longer.

At least until I can get my trailer.

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This is willow.  She is lovey and she missed being home and guarding her couch very very much.  She has demanded cuddles ever since I brought her and her sister (Annabelle) home.  They stayed down in a lovely heated barn kennel with acres of land to run around in.  They were terribly unhappy there and just couldn’t wait to get home.  For those of you wondering they are Blue tick hound mixes.  Mixed with what, I couldn’t tell you because I can never remember.