Existence Crisis

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TRIGGER WARNING

I have been having one hell of a morning inside my head and I need to get it out.  If you are easily upset or have issues with existence and don’t want to be depressed today then please, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY.  Look at puppy photos instead…

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Now, For those of you that are morbidly curious, here is my thought process this morning:

What’s the point.  Not a question.  A statement.

We are born, we grow old, we die.  Done, end of story.  So what’s the point.  to have kids?  no, the world is full of death by unnatural causes, deciet, grief, and disgust.  I’m not saying that life isn’t about struggle, because it is, but why do we struggle?  We’re just going to die.

“You have to make the world a better place for the future of mankind!”  Why?  They’re going to die too.  The generations before us didn’t do shit.  Made things to make life easier and longer.  But why?  Because we’re afraid of death?  So what.  There’s nothing after this life.  NOTHING.  There’s no point in good or bad.  It’s just instinct and a societal agreement. But last i checked, SOCIETY SUCKS.  Racism is such a huge issue that i will never fully comprehend because i’m just a basic white bitch who’s terrified of going anywhere by myself.

“You live to make experiences!”  But you die in the end.  Again, no point to it.  One person cannot change the world and be fully remembered.  I’m just a stupid peon in life.I don’t know enough to help anyone and I can’t learn fast enough in order to make a difference.  I’m just a stupid preschooler.

What’s worse is I feel like I’m pushing my want to help the world onto my son.  He’s 3 and so smart.  Doctor’s and nurses tell me he’s something special and I know he is.  And it kills me to know that one day, he’ll die too.  Long after losing me and his dad.

 

I can’t even cry right now.  Every time i start, my depression and anxiety kicks in.  ‘you’re just crying to get attention.’  ‘you’re blogging for attention’ ‘you’re dead inside, just go walk in front of a bus’ ‘you’ll never make a difference in this world’ 

I can’t make them stop.  Creative output is out.  I have no drive to do anything.  No painting. No crocheting.  Just work.

All I want to do is curl up and disappear.  Just for a little while.

 

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There’s something about tonight….

I am not sure what it is about tonight.  Maybe it’s just because i finally have my computer set up, or the need to write something, or talk to someone….

or perhaps that i have a totally badass keyboard that makes the “tic tak” noises ON PURPOSE that i’m buying from my brother….

But i’m drawn to my computer.  To type something.  I don’t know what it is yet though.  Moving back into my parent’s house was a big blessing in my life….

I’m just a little worried that things aren’t going to go very well.  Mom is already complaining about my doggo, Nova, and the fact that I started decorating my room (with nails to hang things but then…. I really don’t know a reliable way to keep things up), and the fact that whenever I park in the driveway, my brother decides that he needs to park there too.

I cried at work today.  Things are getting a little overwhelming because I can’t work from home at all, even though i would love to, and I have so much computer work to do….

Lists to make and systems to update with information that is vital to the business continuing.  I didn’t even mean to get this job.  The job that is basically my dream job at basically my dream shop.  There’s a lot of negativity coming from the old staff and my friend is getting a lot of flack for helping the shop.

I really wish that people would just mind their own damn business and be kind to one another.  There is so much to a story than just your point of view.  Everyone is the main character in their own stories but so many don’t realize the affect they have on the people reading them.  (I hope that made sense.)

My handmade items aren’t selling at all.  I’m thinking i’m just not talented enough in order to make good quality items.  That’s the thing with being a jack of all trades…. I don’t excel at any one thing.  I make subpar things and then some people like them (mostly obligatory “wow that looks great!”)… but it’s never good enough.

I hope I can make decent youtube videos… Maybe…

Purple fingers of fun!

So this morning was a bust.  Reaching out to friends and family all morning making sure that everyone is safe and dry.  Des Moines had an emergency evacuation last night due to rising flood waters and the Saylorville Dam is getting close to overflowing.  There was even an announcer for Drake University that drowned in his vehicle.

Luckily for us, most of the people we know were safe at home or at a friends house.  Afterwards was a short time for sitting, chatting, and crafting.  I’m trying to get stock up for the Psychic Fair at the Des Moines New Age Shop on the 23rd of July so Crystal is making A TON of Pussy Hatsdownload.jpg

And I’m currently working on a witch hat.  It’s not as big as I was trying to make it and I’m not sure if i’ll like it very much.  Ugh.  I’m so picky.

So anyway.  We decided that we wanted to check out the water levels around us.  We hopped into the suburban and drove down to one of the boat access ways couldn’t even see the parking area it was so flooded.  After spending about 10 minutes taking pictures and chatting, we all got back into the suburban and headed for the dam.  We had a lot of fun looking out over the waters then headed down to the lower part of the dam.

There we found a mulberry tree.  We picked all the bottom branches clean of all of the ripe ones and filled up a plastic bottle with them.  We also picked a few mint clippings and brought fresh growth from the mulberry tree home so that we could get them to resprout and plant them at home.  The mulberries we picked were amazing in the vinaigrette that Crystal made.

All in all, today was a pretty good day.