One of my favorite things to do while home alone, spreading out shots my king size mattress in my jammies, us watch documentaries.
I usually watch the every intriguing ‘conspiracy’ ones or ‘serial killers and their secrets (because we’re secretly hoping you become a copy cat killer, Judy)’. They don’t say it but why else would they provide every detail including HOW THEY FUCKED UP.
Goodnight I have landed on weird things in the world. Apparently dogs and cows can sense the magnetism of the earth and that’s why they spin.
I’m not sure why scientists are researching silly things like this but I like it. I want them to do more.
Inn the flip side… I’m tired. Shit is happening at work and one problem is going to be taken care of and I’m wondering if anything else is happening but I’ll have to wait until Monday.
I love the fact that Peridot from Steven Universe just accepted and rolled with her alienness. accepting the stickers and other weird things and making meepmorps. I would get her gem tattooed on me but I think i would have a hard time keeping a job at that point.
(quick note that google wanted to change peridot to period and alienness to aliveness and that just makes my hour.)
So I’ve been doing better as far as my mental illness goes. Some days are worse because I have to go to therapy or do SSI paperwork and I have to relive a lot of stuff and it makes me sad and anxious and have to take more meds than i wanted to today. Thanks a lot deb.
Sorry if your name is deb. I’m sure it isn’t you that i’m frustrated at. But you could be.
Why you should duck when people say “BOO!”
I call them my Boos and when people are being rude or say mean things or are just being aggravating and anxiety inducing I yell boo and throw one. They have grown into 4 and more will come. If you want one let me know. They’re 10$ in my store.
If anyone is wondering (mostly because i’m not sure if I’ve done this before or not) but I know that I am putting the dollar sign after the numbers because that’s how I read it/ say it so that’s how i’m spelling it. Society be damned. I don’t like having to look back to the beginning of your big numbers and have to go is it dollars, cents, yin, or euros? Fuck people I have things to read!
Say hi to me. Or your neighbor. Or no one if you don’t want to.
Oh my goodness. So much has happened lately that I feel really bad for both not blogging about it before and for blogging about it now.
In the past (sorry, got distracted helping my BFF find some stuff for her homework… where was i?) oh
in the past week i have turned 27, david has turned 3, I was denied an apartment, ben fixed up part of the basement for me to use as my own space, I single handedly took down the government, ad I’m now friends with an ex-con. I’ll let you determine which parts are real.
Beyond those things i have also been comfortable living on my own via living my my BFF’s house because she was away and sometimes boys are stupid and you need to take some time away from them. I have brought it to the attention of a few people that maybe i need to just go full lesbian but decided that getting a motorcycle was just out of the question financially…. for now anyway. Plus, where would I put the carseat?
Sorry if that last paragraph offended you. I know that who you love is not a choice and sometimes we end up loving people who make you crazy and accuse you of losing your mind even when you’re on the mend. I’m pretty sure ben has decided to either not read my blog for his own sanity or he just doesn’t bring it up. Also, I in no way meant to imply that all lesbians have motorcycles like the buffalo gals of cow and chicken yesteryear. I just look up to you all from a light of “holy shit these people are all so cool, why are they staring at me? Oh yeah, I’m naked.”
(Three Friends by John Curran)
No, this isn’t a picture of me. This is actual art so no one can be offended and block me. I hope.
So I don’t know about you guys, but since starting my anti-anxiety meds instead of having full-on panic attacks I will have moments of self hatred but not coming from myself. I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense but here’s one way that I can describe it:
My brain is a Megabus.
Usually everyone’s quiet and is along for the ride most of them are sleeping others are equipping in with obvious observations about the outside world. Some are even having social-psychological conversations with themselves giving me quite a bit to think about. But when I start to have a lot of anxiety they all wake up and they’re all start shouting at me, the bus driver. And they begin driving from every seat in the bus but my own. If anyone has worked in retail you will probably understand this. Being the bus driver means that I can’t react I can simply say shut up period sometimes but usually it’s just shut up.
But sometimes my mind is a terrorist.
And because I’m American I’m sure I have to sit here and explain that no I do not mean someone wearing a turban speaking Arabic or someone from another country that other less educated Americans would believe to be terrorists. I apologize if I offend anyone I really do not mean to this is not the point of my blog. I’m actually quite fascinated with cultures languages and people around the world and if you would love to talk to me please message me. Or not I would totally understand. As I have told my boyfriend you should not stick your dick in crazy or let crazy stick it stick and you. And I’m sure that correlates to messaging crazy people. But don’t quote me on that or do I don’t care. Maybe I do. Shit.
Any way back from that rant what I mean by my mind is a terrorist is the fact that sometimes those passengers who like to say mean things about how I’m driving like to jump into my lap or completely remove me from the driver seat and decide to drive it the way they want to which unfortunately is not always healthy for the bus AKA my body? Anyway so I take a an Emergency anti-anxiety pill which isn’t currently working.
I won’t bore, or scare, you with all the things that my brain tends to come up with but I can tell you that they are not nice and they are really demoralising and saddening.
Anyway, I’m currently house sitting for my best friend at the moment and will be for the next week so yay me and doing things on my own. hashtag trial run living on my own for the first time in my ever fucking life. But that story comes later.
I swear to God depression is going to kill me. I can’t hardly sleep and when I do sleep I have vivid dreams and when the vivid dreams are nightmares their dreams about getting back together with my ex-husband. I hate these dreams not only because it makes divorcing him that much harder, but it also makes waking up that much harder.
In real life my ex-husband and I get along pretty well. We could pass for friends if things weren’t so awkward. We still get along and talk about video games tabletop games that he’s running tabletop games that I want to be playing. I tell him about my progress on some of our favorite games that we used to play together. And of course we co-parent. We co-parent so will that it’s weird. I say that it’s weird because I’ve seen other divorced parents co-parent and my ex-husband and I do it really well. We rarely fight or go back on what we say or do. In fact we’d give each other lots of time and notification of our plans so much so that it makes co-parenting easy. And I know that I really shouldn’t be griping or complaining and maybe I am but it’s just odd. But maybe that’s just me. I am a little odd.
Then likes to tell me that I need to be open to the Future and any possibilities of my ex-husband and I getting back together and dating and so forth the possibility that things could go right again. I hate this advice and I wish you would stop telling me that. I don’t want to hear it because I know it won’t happen. I know I can’t be as happy as I am in my dreams. I can’t be monogamous and that’s all Zac wants is to be monogamous and I can’t blame him for that. If that’s what makes him happy then I want him to be happy.
Woke up and went to work, as per usual, with a lovely blanket of snow and ice this morning. Made it safe, so it wasn’t too bad. I was hoping the day would go quickly because I didn’t have a chance to make myself lunch.
I really should not have even thought those words.
*DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN*
I got laid off work today. They are being generous enough that they will pay me my wages through the rest of the week (yay free money! ish) but that also means that I get to stay home. Alone. and wait.
I did have an interview today with a temp agency. That went fairly well, except that it was over skype and the connection kept getting frayed. I don’t know if it was hers or mine but it was ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that she had to have been in a phone bank, what with all the noise. I was sitting in Clara’s nice and quiet office. I guess the agency doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.
Now i’m at home, with a grumpy ben cause he’s in pain and grumpy about it. Oh well.
I get to sleep in tomorrow before the ever fated appointment of change tomorrow.
But it is day 2 of not leaving the house. YouTube and Alexa are my best friends and the dogs are my reality checks, however faulty. I say they’re faulty because they have a tendency to go off spontaneously. Thoughts of exercise float and poke me in the head but the couch and sleep usually win.
It’s darker in the living room than the bedroom, which means that my makeshift curtains are working. The kitchen windows are still uncovered so i don’t go in there much.
My delusions are not as strong during the day so I’ve been able to sweep/ mop the hardwood floors and do some laundry. Though, i can’t bring any baskets up because they hinder running up the stairs. I think january is sleeping and i don’t want to wake them up.