I should get to keep stray dogs.

This is Cruella.

She is lovable, soft, sweet, quiet, and snuggly. She is also, sadly, not mine.

Give me a second to explain.

I’m not a doggo napper if any kind, i sure you. I noticed she was in my neighbor’s yard but my neighbor’s don’t have a dog. Trust me, their girls would probably never get over the fact that they have a dog.

Anyway, I have been trying to convince Ben to let me keep her, but he’s pretty adamant about letting animal control take her. Of course I agree butt this does not stop me from trying to convince him to let me keep her.

Oh well.

P.s. Animal control now has her and I hope she gets home soon.


It strikes in the night

I swear to God depression is going to kill me. I can’t hardly sleep and when I do sleep I have vivid dreams and when the vivid dreams are nightmares their dreams about getting back together with my ex-husband. I hate these dreams not only because it makes divorcing him that much harder, but it also makes waking up that much harder.

In real life my ex-husband and I get along pretty well. We could pass for friends if things weren’t so awkward. We still get along and talk about video games tabletop games that he’s running tabletop games that I want to be playing. I tell him about my progress on some of our favorite games that we used to play together. And of course we co-parent. We co-parent so will that it’s weird. I say that it’s weird because I’ve seen other divorced parents co-parent and my ex-husband and I do it really well. We rarely fight or go back on what we say or do. In fact we’d give each other lots of time and notification of our plans so much so that it makes co-parenting easy. And I know that I really shouldn’t be griping or complaining and maybe I am but it’s just odd. But maybe that’s just me. I am a little odd.

Then likes to tell me that I need to be open to the Future and any possibilities of my ex-husband and I getting back together and dating and so forth the possibility that things could go right again. I hate this advice and I wish you would stop telling me that. I don’t want to hear it because I know it won’t happen. I know I can’t be as happy as I am in my dreams. I can’t be monogamous and that’s all Zac wants is to be monogamous and I can’t blame him for that. If that’s what makes him happy then I want him to be happy.

Who can you call?

No one. Not at the moment. Ben is in the bedroom being grumpy at me because i don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m unhappy with the basement flooding with our own refuse because he refuses to skip a credit card bill or whatever to get it fixed. Instead he paid for a guy to clean out the pipes to give us “hopefully” a couple of months to save up.

My biggest problem?

Probably the fact that i made a decision as a grown ass person and mother to not allow my son to live in this house until the pipes are fixed. Hooray for me but Ben doesnt see it that way. He thinks i made a dumb decision (my words not his) to not have David here. Of course all i can think about is the fact that i still don’t have a job, I’m still living in this house, my house isn’t sold yet, I’m still not fucking divorced, and… i still can’t make a living doing anything.

Le sigh….

I know i shouldn’t try to rush things with the systems set up but I’ve been applying for jobs for months and i have nothing. I would upload my resume but that might be tmi.

Anyway… rant dinner for now. Here’s a couple of pictures i colored in to keep from hurting myself.

P.s. still thinking suicidal thoughts and they’re making me sick because all i can think of is saying goodbye to my son. The scariest thing is thinking about is how my brain is convinced he won’t miss me. *sobbing now*

Oh Wednesday…. You’re just so… weird.

As I got up for work, I knew that today was going to be… a struggle.  I crawled into my freezing van and prayed to Loki that my van wouldn’t start.  The damned thing did and I swore vengeance upon it, but silently in my head because I really don’t want to die driving.  A voice from behind me said something about dying on the way to work wouldn’t be so bad because then we wouldn’t have to go to work, then another piped in with something about injury was better than death and I just rolled my eyes as they started arguing semantics and wiggled out of the van to let it warm up.

The voices followed me inside into the warm house and continued their bickering but I had no time for it.  I had two other voices telling me that I needed to pack a lunch and had to figure out what I wanted to eat for lunch.  One said “Just pack peanut butter and chocolate chips.  That’ll fill us up.” the other one, shaking their head, said “No, you need more than just that.  That’s the whole reason we’re fat!”

Shaking my own head, I grab a coffee mug, fill it with water, and take my meds.  They haven’t been all that great lately, only keeping one or two of the voices in their rooms, tucked away in their warm and cozy beds probably dreaming up new ways to kill and or torture me.  They worked at first and that was when they let me out of the hospital.  But I guess one of them decided they wouldn’t listen to the sleeping bells anymore.  Then they got bored just being one and woke up another, then another, and now it’s like a daycare with adult vocabulary.  A Fraternity/Sorority mixed together.

Sorry, I just got distracted by Mama’s Family and now I can’t remember where this post was going.  Hang on, let me think.

Found it.  Basically, today was just weird.  I had plans to go shopping that fell through because it was just so cold out.  Work went by so slow I wanted to badly to fall asleep and take a nap.  I made plans for this weekend with my son, made sure that he approved (he’s two, if he doesn’t agree with something then we both suffer) then went home.  And there we stayed.  And here we are now.  Though, David is now asleep and i’m laying on the couch, blogging, with all the pain meds i could find and a heating pad to top it off.

Anyway, Therapy is tomorrow so it will be better.

P.S. I have started my first day of no poo shampoo showers.  Using Rye Flour I’m hoping to save money by using this method but I really need to learn to read all the directions before starting such things.  Maybe next week will be my first week with the Rye Flour shampoo.