Sometimes, as human beings, we have a tendency to wear faces like masks, interchanging them as deemed necessary before we pass out on our beds/couches/floors/bushes… Whatever. That’s when our true faces show, when we’re sleeping. We don’t have control of how we act in our dreams let alone what others think of us.
Another time we show our true brings is when we’re sobbing our eyes out. No one looks pretty doing that, and for good reason.
If you think I’m going somewhere with this please let me know because I lost my train of thought.
I’m in pain. My neck is out of whack for over a month now.
I’m depressed. Getting threatened at work that you’re going to be raped is one of those things that makes you not want to go near that building ever again. Add panic attacks and having to talk to the police and the fact that he could walk in at any moment and you would freeze like a dumb ass just doesn’t make working easy.
I’m sick.slight fever this morning plus bouts on the toilet are never fun.
I’m in a moment where I feel useless and awful. That moment has lasted all weekend. I couldn’t really cook so I just ate frozen waffles and frozen pizza and brownies.
Winner of worst diet for a depressed person is: probably someone else. Let’s be honest, I can’t tie shoes let alone be healthy.
I’m scared. Like really scared to go to work again. I start at McDonald’s on Monday and I’m afraid.I’m afraid to fail. When I work, I put a lot of heart into the company I work for. I become a perfectionist to the point of paranoia.
No one. Not at the moment. Ben is in the bedroom being grumpy at me because i don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m unhappy with the basement flooding with our own refuse because he refuses to skip a credit card bill or whatever to get it fixed. Instead he paid for a guy to clean out the pipes to give us “hopefully” a couple of months to save up.
My biggest problem?
Probably the fact that i made a decision as a grown ass person and mother to not allow my son to live in this house until the pipes are fixed. Hooray for me but Ben doesnt see it that way. He thinks i made a dumb decision (my words not his) to not have David here. Of course all i can think about is the fact that i still don’t have a job, I’m still living in this house, my house isn’t sold yet, I’m still not fucking divorced, and… i still can’t make a living doing anything.
I know i shouldn’t try to rush things with the systems set up but I’ve been applying for jobs for months and i have nothing. I would upload my resume but that might be tmi.
Anyway… rant dinner for now. Here’s a couple of pictures i colored in to keep from hurting myself.
P.s. still thinking suicidal thoughts and they’re making me sick because all i can think of is saying goodbye to my son. The scariest thing is thinking about is how my brain is convinced he won’t miss me. *sobbing now*
I have to laugh at myself here. I have been thinking of these stupid random things in my head for well over an hour or four And yet when I go to write them down, mostly to report then later to my therapist, my mind goes blank. I can’t believe this.
Not sure if many year any of my followers, I’m slow to consider you followers mostly I think you’re just more really curious and I really have no better way to spend my time and you’re probably doing some kind of report on mental illness and I hope you do great, but I suffer from Big depression I can’t remember what it’s called exactly but we’ll just call it Big depression and anxiety and self diagnose schizophrenia. I’ll be going to an actual doctor to actually diagnosed stuff but at the moment it’s self-diagnosed and with really no other way of knowing this is what I’m going with.
There are some days when I forget to take my medicine or refuse to take my medicine for XY or Z the reason I’m not sure if any of them right now but I can’t remember the last time I took my medicine which is probably why I haven’t taken my medicine yet.
PS I would put a trigger warning here but I’m pretty sure I told you not to read or at least that you shouldn’t read this blog in the title but going forward there are probably going to be some disturbing things that have come from my mind and out of my mouth because I can’t type or write fast enough and I don’t have therapy until Thursday. If it makes you feel better here is a picture of the dog that is currently keeping me company.
Being alone sucks. Having your own place and living by yourself has so many different positive things that come out of it but at the same time you’re alone and I guess when you’re like me being alone just isn’t the best idea particularly at night when there’s blinds open or when Windows just plain not covered because that is when the paranoia and the voices and the visual hallucinations kick in. Like when the light turns on outside all I can think of is that someone’s watching me waiting for me to go to bed with me to go outside and then I will be in trouble.
Growing up in my house watching the news was a staple of dinner time and the bane of my existence. You see the news never brought any good or positive things into our home. No growing up in the 90s and early 2000s spawned nothing but danger that lurked around every corner you aren’t even safe inside your own house. And when you’re alone in that house the sounds are Amplified every moment every light every shadow is exaggerated to make movements signify Danger. Danger that more than likely isn’t even there.
F*** the news. Is the bane of my existence. If you have a heart in your body please fill your news feeds full of positive things because there is just enough negative things being pushed into our homes through every other form of media. So please push to be a more positive influence in your life and in the lives of the people who follow you.
A friendly made in the hospital is messaging me today telling me that her husband has embarrassed her for the last time and she’s leaving him. In the past she has run quickly away and inevitably ended back up in the not so good relationship but today she decided differently. Here’s some words that I gave to her that I wish I could follow but I can never remember them so hopefully by blogging them I can reread them and actually do something smart
part of me thinks that some of these bits of advice falling out of my mouth or because I just watched a video of Oprah giving a super inspiring speech of her accepting an award at the Golden Globes last night ( I can’t remember the award and I’m too tired to research it just look up the video)
But then I remember that the first bits of advice that I gave her before I watch the video so I’m pretty sure it’s just the onset of Hysteria with the flu that I have.