I had a conversation with ben last night. New Years Eve we had a big fight and I still don’t feel right about it. David wanted to sleep on his new gift from my grandmother and I was happy to oblige because, well because i didn’t have an argument against it. Ben did. It was his living room in his house. Suddenly, all that work I did to make this house to feel like home is gone. I don’t feel welcome. I can barely sleep in my own bed.
Ben and I talked and he apologized but proceeded to tell me that he wouldn’t watch me fall into the abyss. The abyss being a place where i’m no longer in touch with a functional reality and I can no longer fit in. Not that I’ve ever fit in in my life but I don’t feel like i’m falling. I feel like i’m just not in control. like i’m locked in or out of my body but someone else is pushing the buttons. That part i’m not fond of.
But I do like seeing the squirrels who want to cuddle with me when they are tired. The dragons that help me to remember my meds, the feminist climber from the 20’s who tells me that I have to take risks and blaze my own trail even if the fire turns purple. I like embracing my reality because of 2 things.
- This is the only reality I’ve ever known. Fighting it only made me depressed and embracing it means that I get to interact with everything that is going on in my mind.
- This road to “Sanity”, climbing out of the abyss, is hard and scary and it sucks so much. I want to have as much fun as I can to help deal with my suffering. The alternative is apparently not an option.
I do my best to let the people around me know what’s happening. Sometimes they think it’s funny too and that’s what I need. I need joy throughout the suffering.
I won’t choose. Life will show me where I land, whether that’s into the abyss or reaching the top of the canyon. I’ll be somewhere. I just hope i’m surrounded by loved ones either way.